When Worlds Collide

As sports and pop culture commentators laid bare Tiger Woods’s cheating heart, and the parade of cocktail waitresses, porn actresses and prostitutes booked their tell-all interviews with the gutter press in order to collect their 30 pieces of silver, Tiger copped the usual plea for a celebrity caught with his pants down. He asked the press and the public to respect his privacy while he tried to heal the wounds he inflicted on his family, and rebuild his reputation. Fat chance.

Woods made a fortune and was granted demigod status because he’s very good at playing a game popular with old men and people who need an excuse to go for a walk. In the grand scheme of things his golfing skills are irrelevant but for reasons I don’t understand the corporate world has thrown bags of money at him so he’ll endorse razor blades, deodorant, and other stuff bought by guys. The same world turned him into a role model, a shining example of a good guy, even though all he does is play a boring game. Woods eagerly accepted the accolades and the money and in so doing sold his soul to the devil, and the devil is us. Now that he’s broken the deal we get to cash him in and kick his rep around the block a few times. Privacy be damned, and we don’t buy the sex addiction bool-shit.

These days money can buy almost everything, everything but true love and the privacy granted regular people. Celebs like Woods don’t have enough money to buy off all the gossip columnists, paparazzi, and bloggers who just love to dig up and expose scandal and once he ran afoul of the family guy moral code he became the target of the month. He could’ve avoided it all if he had just kept it in his pants. We have no sympathy for stupid players.

It will always be easy for the rich and famous to cheat on their spouses. Money and glamour will always attract witless bimbos and himbos, or manipulative gold diggers looking to cash in down the road. We at AHM have a bit of advice for the famous with solid bank accounts and loose morals; don’t have affairs with people who have less to lose than you when the story breaks.

Tiger asked to be treated like a regular guy during his spectacular fall from grace; other celebs expect to be treated like royalty when they do mundane things. Take Halle Berry for example. Earlier this month she and her family were flying out of Montreal when they got caught up in the security check lineup. Berry’s partner, male model Gabriel Aubry, asked a nearby flatfoot if he could speed up their progress. The star struck cop took the initiative and whisked the young family past the other travelers and had them rushed through security, much to the annoyance of travelers who had been waiting in line for over an hour.

Later Montreal police inspector Jimmy Cacchione – who is in charge of Trudeau Airport’s police – chastised the officer in question for giving Berry special treatment and has vowed never to let it happen again. Obviously it should never have happened in the first place. If Berry and company expected red carpet treatment at Trudeau they should’ve ponied up the cash, arranged for a private jet and departed through an executive gate. If Halle  insists on flying with the rest of us she and hers should learn a thing or two about airport etiquette – she can start by reading Flying and the Loss of Elegance. Smarten up girl, and get the boyfriend in tow.

Research: Angelina Pieros